Nervous Girl

During this time of the year, whenever a person goes into a supermarket or store he or she is sure to find a crowd of people rushing around buying food or gifts for the holidays. For me, it is the worst time of the year to go shopping because crowded places seem to bring out my symptoms like nothing else, especially when I have lowered tones. I already felt the lowered tones coming on and my mind was filled with some dark thoughts, and I really did not want to go to the market today, but I needed some frozen broccoli and some other stuff, so I drove to the store after work. The parking lot was full and the market was crowded. But I practiced objectivity and found the items I needed without any trouble. I had put a banana on the top of some other items in the front of my cart and while I was walking through the vitamin section, it fell off and landed on the floor. When I stopped to pick it up, a women behind me almost crashed into me. I said, not too kindly, "I need to stop and pic

In my last post, I wrote about how wonderful things are when life is boring. And by boring, I meant having few or no nervous symptoms such as lowered tones, fearful and racing thoughts, fiery imagination and all the other fun symptoms that I experienced and eventually led me to Recovery International. Well, I'm so thrilled that my life is no longer boring and I am in some kind of setback. It was so bad yesterday, I almost called my psychiatrist -- whom I haven't seen for almost a year -- and made an appointment. Instead of doing that, I should have considered attending a RI meeting. When I started RI, I probably attended a meeting five or six times a week for about a year. After that first year, I still attended at least three meetings a week for quite a while. I did this for two reasons -- first, my symptoms were so acute, I wanted to go to meetings because they really helped me and second, because my symptoms were so acute, I couldn't work or do much of anything else exc

When I signed in to my blog today, I realized how long it's been since I last posted. My life has been pretty routine and, some might say, boring, but that is okay with me. Before I started the Recovery International program, I longed for excitement. But what I really craved were the thrills and chills of temper. Unfortunately, those thrills and chills came with some undesirable side effects in the form of nervous symptoms, including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, irritability. Boy, though, did I have a lot to talk (or should I say complain?) about. Then there was the imagination on fire. If I was really bored, I'd start imagining all the things that could go wrong with my life or with the world. I have to admit, I still engage my imagination, but when I start to get carried away, I bring myself back to reality by spotting. Today, instead of looking forward to a lifetime of nervous symptoms or to unrealistic expectations of thrilling excitement, I look forward to the avera

It's late at night and I should be asleep, not typing this, but I've wanted to get back to this for a while. A couple of weeks ago, while reading PasUneSainte's blog, I found myself nodding along with the description of comparing oneself to others and "coming out on the losing end." I have angry temper, too, but mostly fearful temper. In the last few weeks, whether I'm at work or writing or posting an entry on a discussion board, I find myself looking at how many people are asking me questions (at work) or how successful and talented other writers are, or how many people are responding to my posts compared to other posts, or how soon people reply to my emails. For me, comparing myself with others results in a great big wave of fearful temper filling me up like fast running water overfilling a glass pitcher. But in Recovery, we learn that "comparisons are odious and should be avoided." I keep imagining that everyone has conspired against me because th

This morning, I overslept. I don't usually work on Tuesday morning, but I covered for someone else at work, so I had to be there at 10:30 a.m. I rushed to get ready for work (never a good idea, as "rushing leads to tenseness") and arrived at the college where I work 10 minutes early, but then I couldn't find any parking in the staff lot. I drove in circles, up one level and then the next. All the spots in the staff lot were full and I had to turn around in one of the crowded aisles. I'm not sure at which point I worked myself up, but I think it might have been then. I exited the staff lot and drove to the student lot. As I wound my way up the parking structure, I felt myself getting tense and I kept thinking, "Why isn't there more parking for faculty and staff members? Why are there so many people here today, it's the third week of class?" and "I'm going to be late even though I was here on time; why didn't I try to get here earlier?

I can't believe I will celebrate a birthday soon and mark more than 10 years of Recovery training as well in just a few days. When I came into Recovery in June 1999 I was overweight, chronically depressed, anxious and irritable. Each day, I took several medications for these and other nervous symptoms. I didn't think life had anything good in store for me and each day passed in a bland sort of misery. In the last 10 years, my life has improved in untold ways, mainly because of what I've learned in all those Recovery meetings I've attended plus the Recovery books and from the wisdom of the veteran members, those I've met and those from the early days of RI. And most of my days now are almost symptom free, or if I have symptoms, I spot on them and they're gone. Sometimes, though, they hang on and right now is one of those times. I'm going through some unusual events, which probably accounts for their tenacity. In RI, we learn that what's experienced seems

I just purchased a copy of the latest RI book, "The Wisdom of Dr. Low: Words to Live By." This great resource has frequently-used and not so frequently used spots and quotations heard at Recovery meetings from four of Dr. Low's books. So, while at a meeting you might hear someone spot "the passion for self-distrust," you can open the book to the section on averageness, and read the sentences that precede it and put it into context. Plus, it gives readers the book and page from which the quotation originates. It also has quotes from "My Dear Ones," a biography about Dr. Low written by Neil and Margaret Rau. Whether you are new to Recovery or a veteran member, this resource is great because it organizes the quotations by topic, including averageness, beliefs, depression, obsessions, panic, self-diagnosis, self-help, sleep, temper, and trivialities, just to name a few. And it gives members insight into the program. I'd suggest that anyone who wants a

Today started out great. I got to sleep in until 9 a.m. I had a fairly peaceful morning with my son, who finally got enough sleep himself to be agreeable and let me brush his teeth and dress him for a field trip to an ice skating rink he was going to later in the day with his father. He even asked for oatmeal this morning for breakfast and ate most of it. Well, I have to expect to be disappointed or expect frustration, right? That's an important RI principle. I should have been expecting a load of frustration, but I went along blithely, expecting nothing but ease and comfort. Ha! My husband had to call the computer company to once again report that our brand new computer doesn't work. That took time, so my son and husband left almost an hour later than scheduled. They left and I sighed and thought, "Now I have the house to myself for a couple hours and can finish the laundry, do some writing, clean the kitchen, exercise." I checked my email and went downstairs about a

I was moping around last night after waiting around all afternoon for a return phone call I didn't get (the person called this morning - yeah!), and it wasn't until late at night and I was in bed that I remembered I could have posted an example on Recovery International's Example Forum. I also could have called another RI member and given a five-minute phone call, but it was too late. The Example Forum lets users (you do have to sign up but it is free) post examples in the four-step format and then receive spots from other users. It isn't in real time, but I find it somewhat cathartic just to write my example and know that someone else will offer some feedback, Recovery style, even if it's a day or two later. Plus, I read other example and spot on them and it's amazing how much better it makes me feel. If you're completely new to RI, you can visit their other forums as well, including the Q & A Forum, the General Discussion Forum, and the RI website. The

Especially for a nervous person such as myself. One particular RI spot that is embedded into my consciousness is that "nervous people don't like change." Two of our family friends might be moving. One friend might move out of the country and another, just across town. My son loves to play with the kids from both families and I don't make friends all that easily. So I felt unsettled by the news. I knew, for a few minutes, that they were moving all because of me (fearful temper), and I thought, "How dare they leave?" (angry temper). I was genuinely annoyed and really only thought about how it would affect me if they moved. This self-centeredness is a great example of "taking my own dear self too seriously," another fitting RI spot. Over the years in RI, I've learned I cannot control the outer environment and that there is no danger in change - oftentimes it leads to something better. I took lots of secure thoughts that we'll still see the fam

Today is a great day. When I woke up it was overcast, a nice reprieve from the heat wave we've had here in Southern California. By now, however, the fog has burned off and the sun is shining mercilessly outside. I'm having a difficult time coming up with a blog title today. I finally reached my doctor by phone - no small miracle - but he reaffirmed what he told me before. I don't deal with any type of bad news well, so I decided to draw upon my Recovery training to get me through this and keep my nervous symptoms to a minimum. Plus, I have my meeting tonight and I can give an example (about any symptoms I may have, that is), if I need to. Fertility problems are pretty average for women in their 40s, so I can even see this as a triviality to some degree. And I can look at the total view, that I already have a child and he's a pretty wonderful kid. As long as I change insecure thoughts for secure ones, I can avoid those troublesome nervous symptoms, like panic attacks, lo

Last week, I wrote about a medical issue that has aspects of a nontriviality. However, there are certainly some events that are trivial and routine that are connected with the original problem. In my case, I emailed the doctor with some questions about my problem, and he called me back but just left a message. Then I tried the next day and he was out until Monday. Finally, I emailed him again, but I missed his reply that told me to call later that day. By this time, I was really frustrated and it was 2 a.m., which meant there was not much I could do about it. I applied my RI training and decided to email him again saying to please call me on my cell phone. I left the number. So instead, he called me at my home phone and left a message. Ugh. By this time I was anxious and irritated. So I again used my RI training and spotted that there was no danger, that I'd eventually reach him, and that I could bear the discomfort of missing his call. These are all spots, or slogans, that I'v

In Recovery International, we talk mainly about the everyday events that upset us and give us nervous symptoms. In RI terminology, theses events are considered "trivialities." For example, if my boss tells me I need to work overtime, if a clerk at the store is rude to me, if I have to wait a long time on hold while making a phone call, these are all considered trivialities. Most things that happen to us each day are trivial, according the the RI Web site: http://www.recovery-inc.org/system/recovery-international-language.asp. And depending on what meeting you attend, you could give an example on the trivial aspects of a non-triviality. So if you're involved in a divorce, you may give an example on being nervous over opening a letter you've received from your attorney, or if you have a medical problem, you could give an example about waiting for a prescription. At some meetings, the leader might let you give an example about waiting for the results of a routine blood t

For the last 10 years, I've used the Recovery, International method of self-help to keep the symptoms associated with my mental problems manageable. When I attended my first RI meeting, I was taking several psych meds -- a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, a major and minor tranquilizer, and sleeping medication -- each day to help me function. Problem was, none of them helped me much at all. All I seemed to get from them were side effects, including weight gain (about 40 pounds total), restlessness and agitation, dry mouth, nightmares, and dry skin to name just a few. I've spoken to other people who took medication and were helped by it, but I wasn't. I tried different medications and got some relief for maybe a week or month, and then I had panic attacks again and was overwhelmed by a deep depression. I felt completely hopeless and life became a sort of drudgery. Just a few months before I attended my first RI meeting, I consented to electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) bec

I've a confession to make: I've been a nervous wreck most of my life - at least since I was a child. So I've started this blog help other people who call themselves nervous or neurotic or just a little crazy see the funny side of life, the humor in it all. Maybe we can learn to laugh at ourselves. I know when I did, my life got better. Maybe it will help us become better people or at least enjoy life a little more. It wasn't until I was 30 years old that I started to learn how to laugh at my nervous symptoms. And I had plenty of them! I was depressed, almost daily it seemed. Life seemed bleak, hopeless, endlessly unpleasant. I got mad, really mad, screaming mad, almost every day. Everyone and everything irritated me: bad drivers, bad traffic, rude salespeople and customer service call center employees, my friends (the few that I had), my employers and coworkers (when I had a job). I found little to be funny in life. If you told me to smile, I wanted to wipe any smile yo