Nervous Girl

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. First of all, happy New Year to everyone out there. If you've never attended a RI meeting but set a resolution to improve your mental health this year, an RI meeting is a great place to learn new coping skills and get the support you need to help yourself. At RI, you'll meet non-judgmental people, all of whom have experienced some type of mental illness or symptoms that interfered with their ability to function in the world. Whether they suffered from what's commonly referred to as "garden variety" nervous symptoms or an illness with label such as "major depression," "bipolar disorder," or "social anxiety disorder," everyone is welcome. At RI meetings, we don't focus on labels but rather on the everyday events, or trivialities, that upset us. I remember at my first meeting, sharing my particular label and nobody blinked an eye. The meeting wasn't about who was the most ill or...

During this time of the year, whenever a person goes into a supermarket or store he or she is sure to find a crowd of people rushing around buying food or gifts for the holidays. For me, it is the worst time of the year to go shopping because crowded places seem to bring out my symptoms like nothing else, especially when I have lowered tones. I already felt the lowered tones coming on and my mind was filled with some dark thoughts, and I really did not want to go to the market today, but I needed some frozen broccoli and some other stuff, so I drove to the store after work. The parking lot was full and the market was crowded. But I practiced objectivity and found the items I needed without any trouble. I had put a banana on the top of some other items in the front of my cart and while I was walking through the vitamin section, it fell off and landed on the floor. When I stopped to pick it up, a women behind me almost crashed into me. I said, not too kindly, "I need to stop and pic...

In my last post, I wrote about how wonderful things are when life is boring. And by boring, I meant having few or no nervous symptoms such as lowered tones, fearful and racing thoughts, fiery imagination and all the other fun symptoms that I experienced and eventually led me to Recovery International. Well, I'm so thrilled that my life is no longer boring and I am in some kind of setback. It was so bad yesterday, I almost called my psychiatrist -- whom I haven't seen for almost a year -- and made an appointment. Instead of doing that, I should have considered attending a RI meeting. When I started RI, I probably attended a meeting five or six times a week for about a year. After that first year, I still attended at least three meetings a week for quite a while. I did this for two reasons -- first, my symptoms were so acute, I wanted to go to meetings because they really helped me and second, because my symptoms were so acute, I couldn't work or do much of anything else exc...

When I signed in to my blog today, I realized how long it's been since I last posted. My life has been pretty routine and, some might say, boring, but that is okay with me. Before I started the Recovery International program, I longed for excitement. But what I really craved were the thrills and chills of temper. Unfortunately, those thrills and chills came with some undesirable side effects in the form of nervous symptoms, including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, irritability. Boy, though, did I have a lot to talk (or should I say complain?) about. Then there was the imagination on fire. If I was really bored, I'd start imagining all the things that could go wrong with my life or with the world. I have to admit, I still engage my imagination, but when I start to get carried away, I bring myself back to reality by spotting. Today, instead of looking forward to a lifetime of nervous symptoms or to unrealistic expectations of thrilling excitement, I look forward to the avera...

It's late at night and I should be asleep, not typing this, but I've wanted to get back to this for a while. A couple of weeks ago, while reading PasUneSainte's blog, I found myself nodding along with the description of comparing oneself to others and "coming out on the losing end." I have angry temper, too, but mostly fearful temper. In the last few weeks, whether I'm at work or writing or posting an entry on a discussion board, I find myself looking at how many people are asking me questions (at work) or how successful and talented other writers are, or how many people are responding to my posts compared to other posts, or how soon people reply to my emails. For me, comparing myself with others results in a great big wave of fearful temper filling me up like fast running water overfilling a glass pitcher. But in Recovery, we learn that "comparisons are odious and should be avoided." I keep imagining that everyone has conspired against me because th...

This morning, I overslept. I don't usually work on Tuesday morning, but I covered for someone else at work, so I had to be there at 10:30 a.m. I rushed to get ready for work (never a good idea, as "rushing leads to tenseness") and arrived at the college where I work 10 minutes early, but then I couldn't find any parking in the staff lot. I drove in circles, up one level and then the next. All the spots in the staff lot were full and I had to turn around in one of the crowded aisles. I'm not sure at which point I worked myself up, but I think it might have been then. I exited the staff lot and drove to the student lot. As I wound my way up the parking structure, I felt myself getting tense and I kept thinking, "Why isn't there more parking for faculty and staff members? Why are there so many people here today, it's the third week of class?" and "I'm going to be late even though I was here on time; why didn't I try to get here earlier?...

I can't believe I will celebrate a birthday soon and mark more than 10 years of Recovery training as well in just a few days. When I came into Recovery in June 1999 I was overweight, chronically depressed, anxious and irritable. Each day, I took several medications for these and other nervous symptoms. I didn't think life had anything good in store for me and each day passed in a bland sort of misery. In the last 10 years, my life has improved in untold ways, mainly because of what I've learned in all those Recovery meetings I've attended plus the Recovery books and from the wisdom of the veteran members, those I've met and those from the early days of RI. And most of my days now are almost symptom free, or if I have symptoms, I spot on them and they're gone. Sometimes, though, they hang on and right now is one of those times. I'm going through some unusual events, which probably accounts for their tenacity. In RI, we learn that what's experienced seems...